Lines

Hello from balmy Russia!

It is only -4°F and -20°C this morning and I hear the swimming is wonderful this time of year. However, if I wanted to try the polar bear dips in the Moskva River I would have to deal with lines down by the bank.

The standing in line in Russia is something that you have to experience once in your life, it should go on your bucket list right next to the running of the bulls (I'm still not sure which one is safer). The term "standing in line" also is a little misleading, the last thing you do is stand. Imagine this, you are at the theater and you have to check in your coat, there is a line forming. We have all dealt with this situation and in the US what you would do is stand at the end of of the line and wait your turn. The line would be a little haphazard maybe and somebody would be saving a spot, the line would move slowly and we all would wish we had arrived earlier and secretly covet the person in front of the line's spot.

Now in Russia what would happen would be a little different, for starters the line would be less of a line and more of a mob. To me, if people in front carried some pitchforks and torches they could easily recreate the storming the castle in Jame Whale's Frankenstein movie. Once you have joined this mob to wait for the coat check lady, be prepared for the ride of your life, you will get shoved and you will get jostled. The first thing I can guarantee is that when you are in the line you will be instantly surrounded by other people. When you are surrounded, don't see your new neighbors as people. That little babushka on the right, to you she is no longer somebody's grandmother, she is your rival, your opponent, your blood enemy who has sworn to cut you and take your place in line. The family of three on your left with the cute little daughter, they are a tag team of cheating; one will distract you, one will cut you, and one glare at you when you try to get your spot back. After sizing up your opponents you need to prepare yourself, you are now at the starting gates of a race, when line begins to move get ready. The person in front of you will start their trek froward to the next space in line by shifting their weight first, this is where you start as well, lift a leg up an inch or so and mentally prepare yourself for the rush forward. When the person in front of you makes their move you follow suit and step forward, keep a straight line and steady balance, that babushka will push. Use your size and weight against the babushka and your quickness to speed past the family. If you have won the dash make sure to glare at your former rivals and make sure that they know that you knew they wanted your spot and that they couldn't get it because you are that much better than them. If you didn't win the race and find yourself behind, be sure to glare even harder then they do and make a mental note to find a voodoo store. Once you have finished glaring prepare yourself and look around at your new opponent next to you in line. The race doesn't end until the coat check.