Walking in Raskolnikov's Shoes

Last night we went to see K.I. From Crime which was possibly one of the most moving performances I have ever seen. After reading the assigned script before going to see the show, Marc told us all that there was a chance we would be chosen by the actress to represent a certain character from Crime and Punishment that K.I. brings up and talks to. This plus the fact that we were going to be a significant portion of the audience increased anxiety as we knew that we would be partaking in a Russian performance and we did not want to embarrass ourselves or the class by messing something up in such an intimate environment.

At first I was definitely nervous going into the show, fingers crossed that I would not be chosen by the actress especially because I do not understand Russian nearly as well as I thought I did before coming to the country...a bit of a rude awakening, but life goes on and it just adds to the adventure. I was worried that she would choose me, ask me to do something and I would be caught like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to do sitting in silence with everyone looking at me, but after seeing several others get chosen for smaller roles I could tell that it was not just us American students that were nervous about getting picked but the Russian audience members were nervous also. That made at least me feel better, but I cannot speak for the entire group.

When I was ushered to sit in the front row on a different kind of seating than the rest of the audience along with a few other members of the group, I knew I was going to end up participating in the show at least a little bit. The actress came up, sat right next to us, handed us things and explained what they were and how they related to her late husband who's memorial we were supposed to be attending. Not only did she interact with the front row, grieving, yelling, and talking about her deceased husband but she walked back among the rest of the audience to talk to them, getting in people's faces and invading personal space. Being so close and involved in the performance made everything seem real, which is why it was so moving to witness a widow and her children shortly after the death of their husband/father. There were honestly scenes in the show that sent shivers down my spine like when K.I. was yelling at us and her children while abusing Kolya, her supposedly trouble-making child who did not want to sing for us and looked sad because of his father's death.

When we moved from the outside of the memorial into the room where a table was set, I was one of the first few people into the room and walked to sit at a table that was set up in front of the rest of the stadium seating in the small room. When scooting on to the bench with several other people who also were going to sit up front the actress looked at me and thanked me for coming, calling me Roskolnikov (I also thought this was cool because my last name is Roskam), one of the main characters in Crime and Punishment who was friends with her late husband. At this point she told me that I had a special seat she saved for me near her and I was already trapped between other people between a wall and a table sitting on a bench, so I was forced to get very close to the people near me in order to get out. Once I was out, K.I. took my hand and led me around the room while people were being seated, made a girl move from one seat that she said she had saved for me in the front row. It was very nerve racking, but I knew to just go with it. Fortunately she recognized I was with the American group (probably relatively easy) and was already incorporating English into the performance so whenever she directed anything at me she would speak in English, which I greatly appreciated. Overall, the performance was one of my favorites because it related to me personally more than any we have seen so far and brought me into the actresses world, temporarily changing who I was to Roskolnikov.